Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
