I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
