i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
