When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
