My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You made out with two different species that night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
