After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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