I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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