I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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