They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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