Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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