Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
