hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
