i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
