i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Holy shit dude........stairs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
