A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
