how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
