I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
