I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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