Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
