Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
