____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
