my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
