Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
