so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
