dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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