The best revenge is premature balding
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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