i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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