why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
