All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
