No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
