Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
