Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
