i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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