The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
