How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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