My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
