And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
