Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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