I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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