This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
