I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
