Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
