i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
