Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize