I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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