Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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