Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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