I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
