Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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