I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
