Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
