I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
