i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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