my vag is so smooth its legendary
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
