Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize