I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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