Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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