did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
