Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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