You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
