I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
