Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
