Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
