So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
