It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
