It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
