when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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