I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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